Not so quick, Chic!

 January 19, 2021 – Not so quick, Chic!

 

         I have a honey-do list in my monthly planner as well as a “project” box in the guest room tucked in the corner.  I now do these things myself when I can.

 

         You’ve never heard of a project box?  Well, it is where you have already bought the incidentals you intend to install, paint, or fix something that needs the parts, tools, and project materials.  I park them in my project box or they will disappear. [My husband will pick something up and wander out to his workbench and it will disappear among the detritus.]

 

         I have been doing little projects for the last few weeks.  Cleaning a drawer here, a closet there and have done well getting a few things accomplished and crossed of my honey-do list.

 

         We have had two sticky closet doors for several years and I read an article last fall about how to “senior-ize” a home.  They suggested you switch your round doorknobs to those lever handles to make it easier on arthritic hands.  Maybe that was what was happening, my hand grip wasn’t as strong.  All I knew was that those two closet doors were a hassle every time I wanted to open them.

 

         I immediately ordered two lever door sets and stashed them in my project box. Last week I pulled those lever door sets out of my project box and after reading the instructions I felt a little intimidated.  I parked them on the double sink vanity and eyed them every time I brushed my teeth during this last week.

 

         This weekend, I pondered those instructions a second time and brought them back to the top of my honey-do for Monday morning.

 

         Feeling I could knock this project off in half an hour, I confidently made myself a fresh cup of coffee, located my trusty Phillip’s screw driver – the old one that we have carried around for the last 42+ years, and headed to the master bathroom where the first sticky door knob lives.  I pulled up a chair, and perused the instructions again.

 

 

         This should be quick, Chic, I said to myself,  just unscrew the old door knobs and put these in their place.

 

        

         The old doorknobs came off easily, but putting the new door levers on – AHA – I can’t install them with the levers in that direction as the door does not close.  So, yes, I will have to change the levers and the instructions indicated how.

 

         I will do that before I install them on . . .

 

         I unscrew the set key on the lever handles and darn if I can’t get off the levers while I almost lose the tiny set key screw.  Then I look at the instructions and they have it diagramed that the lever handles are installed on the door as they are describing how it is done.  Maybe that is for torque or some other reason?

 

         Holding the parts in my lap certainly doesn’t make it happen.

 

         I will install them – which are ass backwards from the way I need them, as in the door does not shut and then take off the lever handles and switch them around.  I mentally question is this how it is done?  My half hour project is now coming up on an hour.  I’ll try that.

 

         My coffee is cold.

 

         Oh, how interesting . . . I can pop off the lever handles easily when the door lever unit is installed in the door, but couldn’t before?   That was a waste of an hour of valuable time.  I learned my lesson, now didn’t I, Chic?

 

         The lever handles now switched, closet door shuts and opens easily . . . oh how lovely.  I have been fighting with that sticky door for years.

 

         Aren’t I a smart Chic? – on to the next one, now that I’ve done one, I am confident this one will take just a few minutes.

 

         I move my chair and take the items out of the second box.  I unscrew the existing door handles and I pull them out.

 

         I put the new ones in place and the giggling of the center mechanism makes the latch metal button fall out on the floor.

 

         WHAT?

 

         Obviously, not so quick, Chic!

 

         I investigate, it is broken, doesn’t snap or pop back in – I need the latch to keep the door closed, this is the master closet that is cold and I don’t want a draft.

 

         AHA – there is more in the box, I investigate and they have the insides of the door.  It doesn’t fit with the plastic sleeve, but it does fit without the plastic sleeve.

 

         Okay, this should work.  I give it a test drive and new latch button and brass plate is a quarter inch too wide and won’t slide into the door jamb side of the latch.

 

         HMMMMM,  should be easy to fix; just take a hammer and chisel to the door jamb side of the latch and indent it a fourth of an inch.

 

         I take off the doorjamb brass plate and proceed to use chisel and hammer – nothing happening – is this jamb made of cement?  The pounding brings my husband to investigate.

 

         “I was wondering what the noise was,” he said.

 

         I told him what I was doing and he went back to the news letting me have my fun.

 

         I pounded some more . . . Not so quick, Chic . . . recalculating . . .

 

         Oh, I have one of those Sonic-crafters that I used to cut out doorjambs near the floor when I installed the lament flooring years ago, that will be easier.

 

         I drag out several equipment pouches and the third one is my Sonic-crafter.

 

         I attempt to cut the doorjamb down and nothing – won’t budge.  Too darn hard.

 

         Not so quick, Chic . . .recalculating . . .

 

         I only need the little inside gizmo that is broken.  Must have been a cheap door and this replacement is better quality, and larger than life when it comes to the jamb hardware on the door.

 

         This Chic will go to Lowe’s and see if I can get the inside guts, what is actually broken.

 

         At Lowes I park on the end of the building where the new doors are and locate the doors, but nowhere near the doors are door handles.  I ask an associate.

 

         “Door handle replacement sets?”

 

         “They are on aisle two, three.”

 

         I mishear as he is talking through a mask.  “I am here at aisle 23 and I find doors, common sense would tell me they should be close by.”

 

         “They are on Aisle two or Aisle three,” The masked man indicates.

 

         Under my breath, in my mask I mutter, “That is logical – doors on one end of the store and door hardware on the other end, who would have used such reverse common sense – Lowes!”

 

         Searching the aisles, and I wonder, why is it so dank in these stores?  Next time I swear I will bring a flashlight with me.

 

         I see handles, but all the boxes are those plastic packaging that you can’t open and peer inside to see if they have what you want.  Maybe they have replacement parts somewhere.  I am prowling both aisles now, back and forth and I am close to a new idea. 

 

         If I have to buy a cheap doorknob set, I will buy it and then immediately get it opened at the service desk and see if the part I need is the same as the broken part I have in my pocket.  If it isn’t in the package, then I will return it – one less trip to the store.

 

         Just then, an unmasked shopper with a cart is saying, “Excuse me,” and I step aside averting my face and what is an inch from my nose? The exact thing I need, a replacement interior bolt-action thing. About six packages of them hanging on an upright metal beam opposite the doorknobs.  I pull the broken one out of my pocket and rest it aside the one in the package – Exact!

 

         If it hadn’t been for the Covid19 epidemic, I would never have found them as they were in the wrong spot.

 

         Okay Chic, yes, snag it and run for the cash register.  I might actually get this project done by lunchtime.

 

         Arriving home, I immediately open the package and proceed to push it into the door orifice, screw on the new lever door handles.  Unscrew the set pins on the levers, and switch the levers from side to side and re-screw the set pins.

 

         With great satisfaction, I shut the master closet with a soft “click”.

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Moral of story?

 

At least I didn’t have to write a check to a handy man.