January 6, 2018  - Burnt Toast

        A few years back I picked up a book entitled Burnt Toast by Teri Hatcher.  I must admit, I am oblivious of most TV show actors and this included Teri Hatcher.  I was in one of my favorite haunts, one of those discount dollar stores who buy up excess best sellers.  I bought the book because I thought the cover was cute which depicted burnt toast jettisoned into a trashcan.  It claimed to be a best seller, so I snapped it up at the discount price for a casual read.

         I after I read it I started to use the phrase “[that/he] burns my toast, do you know what I mean?” when I am discussing something or someone who rubs me the wrong way. I find it is a great phrase to use instead of swearing because it is a universal thing.  Is there anything more aggravating, or disappointing then burnt toast? No. Hasn’t just about everyone experienced it? Yes.

         When someone asks me if I am having a bad day I immediately answer, “You tell me, burnt toast, cat threw up a hair ball, I poked a run in a brand new pair of pantyhose before I even left the house,” is my pat answer, even if none of those things happened.  It puts them on notice I am already frazzled and it is not even 9:00 o’clock.  The smart people usually give me a wide berth and leave me alone until my second cup of coffee.

         Toasters are one of the items I guess can’t be manufactured anymore to actually toast bread.  The toasters that efficiently toasted bread along with coffee pots that were hot enough to brew excellent coffee, are a thing of the past.  Possibly, due to government regulations or built in obsolescence; I don’t know, but that is my guess.  We have been through dozens of toasters over the years and even on the first week of owning a brand new toaster – it is no better than the one we tossed out other than the outside of it is cleaner – it still doesn’t do the job.

         We currently have a 4-slice toaster which I think is silly for just two people, but that is what my husband decided to buy.

         It is a “babysit” toaster.  Many of you might know what I mean by that.  If you don’t stand there and babysit it by watching it toast, it will burn your bread no matter what.  If you think you can just pop bread in to be toasted while you are making the tuna salad for the soon to be toasted bread – you have a comeuppance coming your way.

         You can have successfully toasted bread earlier in the day but this time it will burn.  There is no rhyme or reason to it.

Just last week I popped in some extra thin bread, had it on 1 and I answered the telephone.  When I returned to the kitchen acrid black smoke was rising from the toaster.  I fished the black smoking toast out with little wooden tongs and flung it out the back kitchen door to the patio for the birds.  I noticed they don’t have any problem with black toast.

         Every time I go to toast bread, I have to change the dial from 7 back to 1.  Then I babysit the toasting of 1, not enough, I push the lever again to lower the bread a second time.  However, if I try setting  2, I get burnt toast.  As yet, my husband hasn’t figured out that 1 is not much toasting and 7 is let-us-burn-it-black toasting.  He flips it to 7 when he toasts and then complains his toast is burnt. Me, right behind him, flip it to 1 and babysit it and watch as the bread almost toasts.  Yes, it is time consuming, but I get the correlation of 1 through 7 and wonder why he doesn’t.

         I can hear it now - “If that’s all you’ve got to complain about . . . you’ve got an easy life.” True, there is some logic to that statement. 

         But, reminded of Spock’s favorite saying “illogical, most illogical” seems to fit my burnt toast situation a little better.