January 28, 2020 – Bathrooms Extraordinaire
This
is a 1999 treasure from college. I found
it cleaning out papers as it was tucked inside a letter from my Mom. She was returning the onionskin copy of it
for my safekeeping. Thank you Mom – she
knew it would be a laugh later in life.
It
is a division and classification essay example.
And without further ado here it is.
Bit long, but you might get a chuckle out of it if you have been out of
the country.
Bathrooms
Extraordinaire
A
bathroom is a bathroom is a bathroom is not necessarily so. There are
remarkably memorable bathrooms such as those that are so elegant that they can
be recommended to friends as well as those bathrooms that have cute names,
interesting architectural design, or are international oddities. These
non-ordinary bathrooms can be easily divided into five basic categories.
The
first category is simply moving bathrooms. This category includes planes,
trains, boats, and buses. These
bathrooms have a common element being bathrooms in motion usually with confined
quarters. Also, the toilet bowls are
mostly made of metal and make incredibly loud flushing noises. Trains, planes,
and buses all have an “occupied” label.
Plane’s
toilets have a continual icy cold draft that makes the user feel as though at
any moment, if the cabin decompresses, he will be sucked out of the plane. The only difference between first class and
coach class bathrooms on international flights is that occasionally there are
little perfumed soaps, cloth hand towels, or small bottles of hand
lotions.
Buses
are less disconcerting; yet, they too, have an obnoxiously loud flushing
noise.
Both
boats and trains are slightly different. On a sail boat while under full sail
at a thirty degree list one not only needs dexterity to keep oneself braced in
a vertical position, but also quickness to recover during a “coming about”
tack. Also, one needs agility and
strength to pump the foot pedal flushing mechanism that chews up the waste so
that it can be discharged on high sea.
This works in much the same way a garbage grinder does, yet is powered
by the strength of one’s pumping foot.
On
the other hand, European trains are unique in that of the moving category they
are the only ones with any space. On a
high speed train there is enough room for one-half of a soccer team to change
clothes. There are two drawbacks;
however, toilet tissue of the consistency of wax paper [reminiscent of a
doughnut shop) which is close to useless and a large window. On the throne, one can view the passing countryside
only hoping the train does not pull into a station until one’s business is
done.
The
second category is elegant bathrooms that can be recommended to close
friends: “Darling, you must experience the powder room,” “You
haven’t lived until you’ve been to the bath
at . . .” or “Top shelf, nicest I have ever used!” The common element in elegant bathrooms is
that they are usually spacious and richly decorated. In these baths one can usually find swooning
couches, linen towels, perfumed soaps, attendants, lots of marble, pastel
carpeting, and gold and brass faucets.
They are perfectly scented, lighted, and are the ultimate in clean. Often they have full length gilt mirrors, and
comfortable chairs.
Some
are so comfy that one wants to move the dinner party to the ladies’ powder
room. These baths are usually found
attached to restaurants where the food is excellent, and the swooning couches
are hardly ever used, except during bridal receptions. The vanity lighting is
so good one almost wants to cleanse her face and reapply her makeup from the
foundation up.
Among
the elegant baths is where I would place The Alameda on the Plaza in Kansas
City. The ladies’ powder room has a
softly carpeted, octagonal shaped anteroom with five doors. One cannot help but think of the game show
host saying, “And behind door number three!”
Each door opens into a private bath with toilet, vanity mirror, linen
towels, facial tissues, elegant and color coordinated waste basket, perfumed
soaps, a monogrammed ashtray with matches, and/ of course, a silver plate for
tips.
Also,
in this category I would place Harrods (of London) rest rooms even though one
could place it in the international oddity category as well. If one does not see Buckingham Palace or get
a real English high tea, at least experience the bathrooms at Harrods. Off the bar at the back of Harrods’ dining
room are their elegant bathrooms of brass fixtures, solid oak doors partitions
and seats, and marble sinks and vanities.
The water closets are twelve feet up the wall with a brass pull
chain. The twenty-foot high ceiling is
pale green with carved scrolled ribbons and pink rose buds. There are linen
towels, perfumed soaps, silver tip trays, and a discreet, almost invisible
attendant.
The
third category is the international oddities bathrooms. There one common element is that they are
international, and each has some memorable oddity. Examples of them are the short johns in
Holland that are at least four inches lower than the U.S. standard toilet and
the tall johns of England that are at least four inches taller than the U.S.
standard toilet where one has to rise up on ones’ tippy toes while being
seated.
The
French restaurant toilets, often below street level, have no lighting until the
door is closed and “voila” there is light!
There are the simplistic holes in the floor in little rooms in native public rest rooms in
Malaysia where I paused, scrutinized and reflected upon not being sure how to
even attempt the feat all the time hoping and praying my kidneys can make it
back to the hotel. Then there are the
bathrooms in the private homes of Malaysia that are a housewife’s dream. A small, ceramic tiled room with toilet, sink,
and a shower nozzle just mounted on the wall.
The floor is a sloping concave with a drain hole in the center of
it. To clean, one scrubs everything
down, rinses, and is done; how incredibly simple and easy!
Among
the international oddities is found the pink marble bath (including tub) of the
Meridian Hotel at the Hong Kong airport.
One must step up one and one half feet into the tub so that the shower
nozzle is that much lower and sprays into belly buttons. Hair washing can be easily accomplished while
kneeling.
And
we must not forget the Dusseldorf department store bathrooms during the
Christmas rush. Peasant stock attendants
complete with hair kerchiefs and socks patrolling, directing, and cleaning in
military precision. The long line moves quickly. There is no dilly-dallying. As a patron leaves, the attendant snaps open
the door, wipes the seat, checks the tissue, stands back, and, eyes the next
patron. One should tip before entering
for sanitary reason and do not waste time for fear of unknown consequences.
The
fourth category is a broad category that encompasses the architecturally
interesting spectrum of novel, inadequate, rustic, or ultra-modern. An example of ultra-modern would be the
bathrooms at the new Coliseum in Charlotte, North Carolina. There is no lever or button to flush the
toilet; but, when one rises from the toilet, it automatically flushes. How ingenious! Also, in this ultra-modern category is found
the “Sani-Seat” with its plastic-bagged seat.
At the press of a button, the sanitary plastic sleeve shimmies around
the oval seat as one can be impressed with the copyrights held in U.S., Japan,
and Canada.
In
the architecturally interesting category is found the bathrooms with the partitions,
which are hung from the ceiling and bolted to the wall in a free-moving style.
(The objective is to allow ease of cleaning the floor for the sanitation crew.)
As the first patron, the door opens easily and latches just as easily. If while enthroned another patron enters an
adjoining stall, the action moves the entire structure and the door invariably
either swings open freely or is jammed taunt to which only a left shoulder tackle
will release it.
In
the architecturally rustic category are baths that are like outhouses and are
usually attached to local eateries. They
have cracks in the walls large enough to see through as well as keep them
freshly aired at all times, even in the freezing winter. Included in the architecturally novel
category are the bathrooms of summer cottages and camps. The prerequisite to be
allowed inclusion in this category is a three-inch crescent cutout so that the
door will pass the porcelain bowl and a two inch deep triangle cutout so that
the door will swing free of the sink.
For privacy sake the cutout pieces are nailed to the door jam showing
the ingenuity of a clever carpenter during construction.
Last,
but not least, in this category are the architecturally inadequate
bathrooms. A good example is the ladies’
room in building one at I.C.C. where the door hits the porcelain bowl, and one
must step between the partition and the toilet bowl to even close the
door. Another example, to an even worse
degree, are the bathrooms that not only have less than a square foot of triangular
space as the door opens to hit the porcelain bowl, but ones knees actually
touch the doors once seated.
The
fifth and last category is simply the bathrooms with the clever names and
silhouettes. The black silhouettes of a
hatted gent and a lady with an elaborate coiffure are overly common examples.
Then
there are the clever names, such as “Stifle Yourself” and “Relieve Yourself”
which caused a bit of confusion at the new golf club in my hometown for two
weeks until management added “women” and “men” respectively to the signs to
stop embarrassing situations. These
baths with the clever names usually relate to the type of restaurant or their
location. One example is “Pointers” and “Setters” along with a framed picture
of each respective breed of dog on the doors of the rest rooms at a country
tavern in the duck hunting area of Eastern Shore, Maryland. Looking at a
picture of an Irish setter and a Brittany gave me no clue as to which door to
open. I returned to my party to ask
which I was and then retreated from the uproarious laughter.
Another
example of cute name bathrooms is the Castle Restaurant (complete with turrets)
in the Ozarks of Missouri. Upon
returning from my choice of “Damsels or “Knight,” I inquired where the other
couple’s eight year old daughter was. I
was informed she went to the ladies’ room.
I had been alone in the damsel’s room and had not seen her en route; I
was deeply concerned. When the little
girl came back to the table her father asked, “Are you sure you went to the
right bathroom?” Clearly audible to the entire
restaurant she declared indignantly, “Of course, K-N-I-G-H-T-S,” she spelled
out, “means women!”
So a
bathroom is a bathroom is a bathroom is not necessarily so; some are ladies,
some are men and some are more memorable than others.
