Bathrooms Extraordinaire

January 28, 2020 – Bathrooms Extraordinaire

         This is a 1999 treasure from college.  I found it cleaning out papers as it was tucked inside a letter from my Mom.  She was returning the onionskin copy of it for my safekeeping.  Thank you Mom – she knew it would be a laugh later in life.

         It is a division and classification essay example.  And without further ado here it is.  Bit long, but you might get a chuckle out of it if you have been out of the country.

Bathrooms Extraordinaire

         A bathroom is a bathroom is a bathroom is not necessarily so. There are remarkably memorable bathrooms such as those that are so elegant that they can be recommended to friends as well as those bathrooms that have cute names, interesting architectural design, or are international oddities. These non-ordinary bathrooms can be easily divided into five basic categories.

         The first category is simply moving bathrooms. This category includes planes, trains, boats, and buses.  These bathrooms have a common element being bathrooms in motion usually with confined quarters.  Also, the toilet bowls are mostly made of metal and make incredibly loud flushing noises. Trains, planes, and buses all have an “occupied” label. 

         Plane’s toilets have a continual icy cold draft that makes the user feel as though at any moment, if the cabin decompresses, he will be sucked out of the plane.  The only difference between first class and coach class bathrooms on international flights is that occasionally there are little perfumed soaps, cloth hand towels, or small bottles of hand lotions. 

         Buses are less disconcerting; yet, they too, have an obnoxiously loud flushing noise. 

         Both boats and trains are slightly different. On a sail boat while under full sail at a thirty degree list one not only needs dexterity to keep oneself braced in a vertical position, but also quickness to recover during a “coming about” tack.  Also, one needs agility and strength to pump the foot pedal flushing mechanism that chews up the waste so that it can be discharged on high sea.  This works in much the same way a garbage grinder does, yet is powered by the strength of one’s pumping foot.

         On the other hand, European trains are unique in that of the moving category they are the only ones with any space.  On a high speed train there is enough room for one-half of a soccer team to change clothes.  There are two drawbacks; however, toilet tissue of the consistency of wax paper [reminiscent of a doughnut shop) which is close to useless and a large window.  On the throne, one can view the passing countryside only hoping the train does not pull into a station until one’s business is done.

         The second category is elegant bathrooms that can be recommended to close friends:  “Darling, you must experience the powder room,” “You haven’t lived until you’ve been to the bath at . . .” or “Top shelf, nicest I have ever used!”  The common element in elegant bathrooms is that they are usually spacious and richly decorated.  In these baths one can usually find swooning couches, linen towels, perfumed soaps, attendants, lots of marble, pastel carpeting, and gold and brass faucets.  They are perfectly scented, lighted, and are the ultimate in clean.  Often they have full length gilt mirrors, and comfortable chairs. 

         Some are so comfy that one wants to move the dinner party to the ladies’ powder room.  These baths are usually found attached to restaurants where the food is excellent, and the swooning couches are hardly ever used, except during bridal receptions. The vanity lighting is so good one almost wants to cleanse her face and reapply her makeup from the foundation up.

         Among the elegant baths is where I would place The Alameda on the Plaza in Kansas City.  The ladies’ powder room has a softly carpeted, octagonal shaped anteroom with five doors.  One cannot help but think of the game show host saying, “And behind door number three!”  Each door opens into a private bath with toilet, vanity mirror, linen towels, facial tissues, elegant and color coordinated waste basket, perfumed soaps, a monogrammed ashtray with matches, and/ of course, a silver plate for tips.

         Also, in this category I would place Harrods (of London) rest rooms even though one could place it in the international oddity category as well.  If one does not see Buckingham Palace or get a real English high tea, at least experience the bathrooms at Harrods.  Off the bar at the back of Harrods’ dining room are their elegant bathrooms of brass fixtures, solid oak doors partitions and seats, and marble sinks and vanities.  The water closets are twelve feet up the wall with a brass pull chain.  The twenty-foot high ceiling is pale green with carved scrolled ribbons and pink rose buds. There are linen towels, perfumed soaps, silver tip trays, and a discreet, almost invisible attendant.

         The third category is the international oddities bathrooms.  There one common element is that they are international, and each has some memorable oddity.  Examples of them are the short johns in Holland that are at least four inches lower than the U.S. standard toilet and the tall johns of England that are at least four inches taller than the U.S. standard toilet where one has to rise up on ones’ tippy toes while being seated.

         The French restaurant toilets, often below street level, have no lighting until the door is closed and “voila” there is light!  There are the simplistic holes in the floor in little rooms in native public rest rooms in Malaysia where I paused, scrutinized and reflected upon not being sure how to even attempt the feat all the time hoping and praying my kidneys can make it back to the hotel.  Then there are the bathrooms in the private homes of Malaysia that are a housewife’s dream.  A small, ceramic tiled room with toilet, sink, and a shower nozzle just mounted on the wall.  The floor is a sloping concave with a drain hole in the center of it.  To clean, one scrubs everything down, rinses, and is done; how incredibly simple and easy!

         Among the international oddities is found the pink marble bath (including tub) of the Meridian Hotel at the Hong Kong airport.  One must step up one and one half feet into the tub so that the shower nozzle is that much lower and sprays into belly buttons.  Hair washing can be easily accomplished while kneeling.

         And we must not forget the Dusseldorf department store bathrooms during the Christmas rush.  Peasant stock attendants complete with hair kerchiefs and socks patrolling, directing, and cleaning in military precision.  The long line moves quickly.  There is no dilly-dallying.  As a patron leaves, the attendant snaps open the door, wipes the seat, checks the tissue, stands back, and, eyes the next patron.  One should tip before entering for sanitary reason and do not waste time for fear of unknown consequences.

         The fourth category is a broad category that encompasses the architecturally interesting spectrum of novel, inadequate, rustic, or ultra-modern.  An example of ultra-modern would be the bathrooms at the new Coliseum in Charlotte, North Carolina.  There is no lever or button to flush the toilet; but, when one rises from the toilet, it automatically flushes.  How ingenious!  Also, in this ultra-modern category is found the “Sani-Seat” with its plastic-bagged seat.  At the press of a button, the sanitary plastic sleeve shimmies around the oval seat as one can be impressed with the copyrights held in U.S., Japan, and Canada.

         In the architecturally interesting category is found the bathrooms with the partitions, which are hung from the ceiling and bolted to the wall in a free-moving style. (The objective is to allow ease of cleaning the floor for the sanitation crew.) As the first patron, the door opens easily and latches just as easily.  If while enthroned another patron enters an adjoining stall, the action moves the entire structure and the door invariably either swings open freely or is jammed taunt to which only a left shoulder tackle will release it.

         In the architecturally rustic category are baths that are like outhouses and are usually attached to local eateries.  They have cracks in the walls large enough to see through as well as keep them freshly aired at all times, even in the freezing winter.  Included in the architecturally novel category are the bathrooms of summer cottages and camps. The prerequisite to be allowed inclusion in this category is a three-inch crescent cutout so that the door will pass the porcelain bowl and a two inch deep triangle cutout so that the door will swing free of the sink.  For privacy sake the cutout pieces are nailed to the door jam showing the ingenuity of a clever carpenter during construction.

         Last, but not least, in this category are the architecturally inadequate bathrooms.  A good example is the ladies’ room in building one at I.C.C. where the door hits the porcelain bowl, and one must step between the partition and the toilet bowl to even close the door.  Another example, to an even worse degree, are the bathrooms that not only have less than a square foot of triangular space as the door opens to hit the porcelain bowl, but ones knees actually touch the doors once seated.

         The fifth and last category is simply the bathrooms with the clever names and silhouettes.  The black silhouettes of a hatted gent and a lady with an elaborate coiffure are overly common examples.

         Then there are the clever names, such as “Stifle Yourself” and “Relieve Yourself” which caused a bit of confusion at the new golf club in my hometown for two weeks until management added “women” and “men” respectively to the signs to stop embarrassing situations.  These baths with the clever names usually relate to the type of restaurant or their location. One example is “Pointers” and “Setters” along with a framed picture of each respective breed of dog on the doors of the rest rooms at a country tavern in the duck hunting area of Eastern Shore, Maryland. Looking at a picture of an Irish setter and a Brittany gave me no clue as to which door to open.  I returned to my party to ask which I was and then retreated from the uproarious laughter. 

         Another example of cute name bathrooms is the Castle Restaurant (complete with turrets) in the Ozarks of Missouri.  Upon returning from my choice of “Damsels or “Knight,” I inquired where the other couple’s eight year old daughter was.  I was informed she went to the ladies’ room.  I had been alone in the damsel’s room and had not seen her en route; I was deeply concerned.  When the little girl came back to the table her father asked, “Are you sure you went to the right bathroom?”  Clearly audible to the entire restaurant she declared indignantly, “Of course, K-N-I-G-H-T-S,” she spelled out, “means women!”

         So a bathroom is a bathroom is a bathroom is not necessarily so; some are ladies, some are men and some are more memorable than others.